The Long Drive Home (A Draft: Seeking your opinion)
When the car burst onto the empty highway, the bridge stretched long over the river, and the faint glow of streetlights bathed the dashboard in a soft, cold light, not bright, but a subtle wash profoundly changing my thoughts. Suddenly I wanted to feel clarity, to dive deep into my center, marriage and divorce throwaway words for the deep sensation of home, knowing I was once made to belong, that I am both the home and the wanderer, there, known, the place near-far that I don’t know I need till I return.
What was it in the highway’s trance that made me question so much about us? The good and the bad, the love and the fights, to stay or to walk away, I do not know except, unknown to myself, I carry the weight of my parents’ echoes— Mom, frail in the hospital bed, complications of diabetes wearing her down, Dad, distant and angry, his resentment a slow burn of injustice.
As my thoughts mirror theirs, I think of my children— a boy of six, a girl of eight, their innocence and laughter, their small hands and endless questions. Fatherhood, an anxious dance between fear and fleeting success, my ambivalence heavy and lingering.
And my job, a professional manager in a downsizing company, uncertainty a constant companion, the weight of decisions on my shoulders. But even amidst the turmoil, a flicker of hope remains, the thought of returning home, the possibility of a good future, of being the father and husband my children and wife deserve.
Hi Jonathan,
Having led way too many poetry workshops, I have a tendency to be picky. But that is not what you asked for. However, my first impression is that there are way too many propositions, infinitive verbs, and articles. They kind of get in the way. For example, “complications of diabetes wearing her down,” could be restated as “diabetes complications wear her down.” Don’t worry, I screw this up all the time, but when I am revising, this is my first stop.
Otherwise, I like the direction you are going in and look forward to an update.
-a
Good suggestions. I don’t realky consider this a poem or even a first draft. Its more of a quickly jotted down outline. I’ll work this over the next few days. It will look, feel and read completely different than what exists now.
I admire what you have. The honesty. The details. If the driving is a narrative frame (or should you want to be), then you could return to it, adding what you know or now know what you’re struggling with, in (or near) the conclusion. As a draft, though, the poem is compelling and, I believe, relevant.
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