Relax

Look, it’s inevitable,
bad things are going to happen.

Your dog will die before you,
probably both your parents too.

You’ll leave the refrigerator open
and the chicken will go bad and 
your wife will chew you out for it.

You’ll wash the colors in the wrong 
temperature and they will shrink 
to the size you wore when a boy.

You’ll give your son those clothes 
and he will hate you forever for it.
 
Your children will take drugs. 
One will go into rehab, the other overdose,
maybe die, maybe recover.
Either way you will feel regret.

Your children will go into therapy
and you will be proven the monster 
you never were or always were 
after long separate sessions of your own.

One child will tell you he/she/they are gay.
He/she/they will leave the house voluntarily
and have a cis gender, hetero, homo-normal life or 
be thrown out and be a successful/success/failure.

You might/might not be  like the guy next door—
the one you heard got divorced because 
he was caught sleeping with a girl half his age,
the one with her boobs spilling out of her blouse—

the guy whose’s wife told him she was a lesbian and she’s leaving him for the woman three doors down,
the older one with tattoos and boobs spilling out
of her blouse in vast rainbow patterns. 

After that happens or even before,
you’ll lose your keys (often), your wallet 
will get stolen, you will get fat, lose your hair,
your memory, spend lots of lonely hours 
watching your team lose more often than not.

No matter how many vitamins you take, or 
how many marathons you run, you will die.
So, relax, take three deep breaths, recite the 
sobriety prayer.   Now your ready for the rest 
of your  afterlife- maybe, maybe not.

What’s the worst that could happen?